Hanging On
by Destiny Lockheart
Summary: Postseries anime. An older Yuzuriha reflects on the year of destiny and what it meant to her. Postseries implies major spoilers.


**Title: **Hanging On

**Fandom**: X/1999

**Rating:** G

**Genre**: Angst, introspection, romance

**Characters**: Yuzuriha

**Summary: **Postseries anime. An older Yuzuriha reflects on the year of destiny and what it meant to her. Postseries implies major spoilers.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Yuzuriha or any of the other Dragons. All characters mentioned within are property of CLAMP.

Four years ago, the world had almost ended. She never knew exactly how he had saved everyone, but he had. For his sacrifice, she was allowed to go on living. Because of what he had done, she would be able to go on her date with Kusanagi later that evening. People kept on living their lives, oblivious of the destruction they had barely escaped, and she saw no reason why she should not do the same. Losing some of the Seals had been devastating, but she knew that was just one more reason for the ones still alive to enjoy every moment they could. It was the sacrifices of the Dragons that allowed people to form and break relationships, have children, get jobs, and keep moving forward, like Sorata had told Kamui to do so long ago. Four years ago was a long time; four years was more than enough time for their lives to return to normal. Four years ago, she had been willing to sacrifice everything in order to protect the world she loved so much. The world that had given her Inuki, Kusanagi, Sorata, the other Dragons, and…

Four years ago, the world had been saved; four years ago, her world had been shattered.

Her hair was just a little bit longer than it had been then; every time she had it cut she always made sure not too much was taken off. She was rather fond of that style, after all. Her school uniform had been traded in for a pair of jean shorts and a pink tank top. Arashi often commented on how much more mature she looked now. Yuzuriha was unsure how she was supposed to respond when she mentioned it. There was no way she could explain to anyone the empty feeling she got in the pit of her stomach whenever someone remarked how grown up she was becoming and how much she was starting to look like a beautiful young lady. The other Dragons had eventually realized they were making her uncomfortable and stopped mentioning it quite as often, but her other friends did not have that same uncanny ability to tell she was not feeling quite right.

Inuki, once again fully grown, nuzzled her hand, his wet nose cold against her skin. "I know, Inuki," she reassured the spirit dog. She would have to leave soon if she was going to be on time for her date with Kusanagi. One time he had asked her why they never met in Tokyo Tower when she seemed to be so fond of going there. Sometimes it did feel as if she were going there everyday. Yet, she could provide no answer for him. Somehow it seemed wrong anymore to be meeting Kusanagi in Tokyo Tower.

Despite her reassurances to Inuki that she was perfectly well aware of the time, she made no sign of moving and tightened her grip on the railing as she stared out the window over the city. Inuki looked up at her with a quizzical expression before sitting down on the ground next to her. Sometimes she wondered if Inuki even knew what had gone wrong. If only he could speak, he would be able to articulate it to everyone else. How could she ever explain to anyone that nothing had seemed right to her after that day? What if they thought she did not care that the world had been saved?

In a way, she wished she could open up to Arashi more. The older woman had experience that could be really helpful to Yuzuriha. Yet she was afraid of talking to Arashi about it, because she feared Arashi would think she was trivializing Sorata's sacrifice. That would only alienate her further from the remaining Dragons. And she could never tell Kusanagi, who had been so kind to her for the past four years. He had even gone with her to see the waterfall she had discovered as a little girl. She would never want him to think she was ungrateful for everything he had done for her.

For reasons any of the Dragons could understand, she always thought of that year while she was standing in Tokyo Tower. She had had a lot of fun whenever they were not fighting, and she had made some really great friends during that year. She had been so sad when they died; but that only served to make her appreciate the ones who were still alive that much more. At first, they continued to stay together for the sake of being strong for each other.

She had spent a lot of time with Arashi since the girl had been heartbroken about the loss of Sorata. She had wanted to be strong for Arashi and had not permitted herself to cry for several months afterwards. But shortly after Arashi healed and Yuzuriha had some time to herself again, she realized she felt empty, as if she too had lost something. She never said anything to anyone. They all assumed she still had Kusanagi and that was reason enough for her to be happy. How could she ever explain to them that a part of her had died four years ago?

She blinked away the tears that were filling her eyes; one fell and landed on Inuki's muzzle, and he nuzzled back up against her. She knew she should be happy. She shook her head, trying to will away all the memories of that year. She had never had anything like Arashi had, so why did she still feel so empty so many years later?

She could not even fully explain to herself what had happened over the course of those few months. She had been falling in love with Kusanagi at the time. But when she was with the Seals, something else was happening, and she did not even realize it until much later. Sure, he had been cruel to her at first, but eventually he had opened up. He really had been so kind after all. She became confused, unsure of how she really felt about him and how that fit into her relationship with Kusanagi.

Then fate had taken him away from her while her young heart was still trying to find the right path. Four years later and she was still just as confused. Sometimes she found herself wondering what he would think about her if he could see her now. Or even if she would be the same person if he were still alive. Would she even be dating Kusanagi if he was still alive? Questions plagued her mind whenever she thought about him.

She missed him. She did not cry, nor did she even notice he was no longer around at first. Gradually, she became aware of the emptiness inside of her. Every time she thought of him the emptiness only grew stronger.

There was only one thing she was confident of any more: that he would not want her to be standing in Tokyo Tower crying over him years after his death. She dried her eyes with the back of her hand and looked up to the sky. "I'm going to be strong, Kamui. I'm going to continue to protect the ones I love."

She scratched Inuki behind the ears and left to meet Kusanagi. As she was walking through the shadow of the tower, she knew that she would be back the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. After all, she had just made a promise to continue to protect those she loved.

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